1 The time comes to pass that Noah and his family strike out onto the Cleansed Earth free from the evil of Mankind. And in this striking out the man Noah has a Holy Conversation with his Grooving Daddio, for the Music of Life has taken on a hopping beat that doth make the toenails tap upon hard ground. Yea, it is so. Whilst God and his boy babble about colors in the sky, the beasts of the Earth that remain continue in the manner of their species. Cud is chewed and methane is expelled.
2 Noah and his family did as they were commanded and began the long tedious process of procreation with the shorter lifespan. Learning more quickly, improving on past generations even as the Brahman became the Jersey. Yea, it is so. People and their Cattle moved from generation to generation, place to place. Usually eating up all the grasses and pooping for the grasses of the next generation on their way as is the custom of the Bovine.
3 Man and Beast live in Harmony during this God-Infused Trek across the vast wilderness of the world. One feeds the other and both feed upon knowledge as it occurs. Tribes of both venture off on their own to found their own families and various broken tribes extending about the globe keeping resources in check and moving on when the Great Ball of Earth threatens starvation or drought. Yea, it is so. And thusly we find the great Re-population. All sons and daughters of Noah, the remaining Giants, and the Animals that Hitched a Holy Ride. And the creatures of the sea, but they don't count because they can't see what's happening on land without becoming part of a seafood platter. Bummer, but it is so.
4 In this time of Happening Harmony the sons and daughters of Man started leaning towards the side of evil once again. Wherever Man congregated in large numbers came the Wickedness of the Unholy Basement Party. As if it never ended, the crime was rampant. All but for one man and his small family. But since our Cosmic Conductor had already made some kind of color promise to the two-legged beasts, He was prohibited from taking them all out again. The cattle of the field commenced to chewing a new cud while they waited for the inevitable.
5 All but one man, Lot, and his family walked from the evil of two large cities. His wife looked at the reflection of the Cleansing Fire in the eyes of the patient Cattle and could not resist. Lot's wife became the very first Salt Lick of which the Bovine Impaired decried as a sign from the Almighty that she had looked into the face of Evil. Any beast knows the value of a woman-sized salt lick, however, and there was much Thankful Braying. Yea, it is so.
6 After this time the Children of the Cosmic Conductor's lives became shorter and shorter. The cattle followed along obediently, enjoying the attentions and care of their human counterparts. Lots of creepy things happened during this time of shortening lives and technological growth. The tribes separated as never before and vast tracts of land were claimed in the name of certain men of Superior Birth. Their cattle, however, knowing of the price of technology, calmly helped to bring about bigger civilizations and cater (literally) to the wars of the Tribes. Yea, it is so.
7 And thus closes the Book of Blatant Bovinity. As Man accepts his shortness of life to embrace the future, he once again looks away from the Skies until jostled by the Almighty Hoppin Daddio. Which brings us to the next Book.
Coming soon: The Book of Running Bulls (aka Moses pulls a poofter)
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
The Book of the Holy Hangover
1 Now herein ends the beginning and thusly human history slides gracelessly into it's long, tedious, greasy, whiny teenage years. Yea, it is so. For in these times the lifetime of a human could stretch into the centuries unabated and the offspring flung to the four winds to create families of massive lineage within one's own Groovy Tune. Human history is created within the same failies of massive descent in different areas at differnt paces as is the way with humans.
2 In contrast we find the lives of animals changing and adapting at a much quicker pace. Their lives do not extend into the Most Happening Void of History, no, they die within a flicker of the Great Discoball in the Sky. Mostly to fill the hungry bellies of these massive families. Yea, it is so.
3 It is time to point out here that the lives of the Boogie Beasts are evolving at a much faster pace than the slowpoke humans of the world. They become domesticated, altered in size and function to serve, and made docile for easier eating. Yea, it is so. One might also say that this is the starting point of the true Bovine nature of Man. The time when the timespan of a human life is brought short. Because God, being a Happy Pappy, can only take so much emo.
4 For in the time of longevity, the early teens of Man, he learns to make beer. And although beer is simply the Lubricant of Life and killer of Evil Microbes of Doom, man takes it, as all things, one step too far. For in these days during the Most Happening Party it is easy to lie. To cheat. To steal. To fornicate with anything that has a hole. The most Unholy Basement Jam begins with the addition of some from the Background Chorus of God flipping down to earth to do the nasty with the daughters of man. Yea, it is so. In bringing about the race of Gnarly Giants the angels seal their fate in the eyes of their Creator.
5 The Badnasty Creations given consciousness and now a spark of ultra-divine blood have learned all they need to know about the inherent Snark of Evil. Humans hide beneath a wall of propriety and piety even as they swindle their neighbors, the facade evident to all who care to see. Including our Most Loving Parent in the Cosmos who's song has taken on a more bluesey tone. And being a Loving Parent it was time to change the course of these unclean humans of Langorous Longevity. It was time to Clean House. Yea, it is so.
6 After whispering a clue to one man who seemed above the filth, the Holy Conductor began a rain to cover our ball of rock with water. 40 days and 40 nights, all but a boat filled with Clean Animals and a simply family of truly pious humans perished. Well, and the critters of the ocean who had done nothing whatsoever to piss off God. Since laying around having babies and using as little oxygen as possible to survive kind of keeps one off the map when it comes to Cosmic Corrections. Yea, it is so.
7 Thus begins a new time. Noah and his family and all the animals he has saved make landfall. The Era of the Bovine begins during the Holy Hangover wherin the party slows to a crawl and the lives of men are cut shorter. Save for the strange half-angelic Giants who survive the waters, the world takes on a more adaptive tone. The Wailing Blues of the Beyond pick up the pace and doth Funk most Groovily. Souls returning to their Happy Home are more frequent and with faster reproduction comes faster improvements. As in all things Bovine. Yea, it is so.
Coming next: The Book of Blatant Bovinity
2 In contrast we find the lives of animals changing and adapting at a much quicker pace. Their lives do not extend into the Most Happening Void of History, no, they die within a flicker of the Great Discoball in the Sky. Mostly to fill the hungry bellies of these massive families. Yea, it is so.
3 It is time to point out here that the lives of the Boogie Beasts are evolving at a much faster pace than the slowpoke humans of the world. They become domesticated, altered in size and function to serve, and made docile for easier eating. Yea, it is so. One might also say that this is the starting point of the true Bovine nature of Man. The time when the timespan of a human life is brought short. Because God, being a Happy Pappy, can only take so much emo.
4 For in the time of longevity, the early teens of Man, he learns to make beer. And although beer is simply the Lubricant of Life and killer of Evil Microbes of Doom, man takes it, as all things, one step too far. For in these days during the Most Happening Party it is easy to lie. To cheat. To steal. To fornicate with anything that has a hole. The most Unholy Basement Jam begins with the addition of some from the Background Chorus of God flipping down to earth to do the nasty with the daughters of man. Yea, it is so. In bringing about the race of Gnarly Giants the angels seal their fate in the eyes of their Creator.
5 The Badnasty Creations given consciousness and now a spark of ultra-divine blood have learned all they need to know about the inherent Snark of Evil. Humans hide beneath a wall of propriety and piety even as they swindle their neighbors, the facade evident to all who care to see. Including our Most Loving Parent in the Cosmos who's song has taken on a more bluesey tone. And being a Loving Parent it was time to change the course of these unclean humans of Langorous Longevity. It was time to Clean House. Yea, it is so.
6 After whispering a clue to one man who seemed above the filth, the Holy Conductor began a rain to cover our ball of rock with water. 40 days and 40 nights, all but a boat filled with Clean Animals and a simply family of truly pious humans perished. Well, and the critters of the ocean who had done nothing whatsoever to piss off God. Since laying around having babies and using as little oxygen as possible to survive kind of keeps one off the map when it comes to Cosmic Corrections. Yea, it is so.
7 Thus begins a new time. Noah and his family and all the animals he has saved make landfall. The Era of the Bovine begins during the Holy Hangover wherin the party slows to a crawl and the lives of men are cut shorter. Save for the strange half-angelic Giants who survive the waters, the world takes on a more adaptive tone. The Wailing Blues of the Beyond pick up the pace and doth Funk most Groovily. Souls returning to their Happy Home are more frequent and with faster reproduction comes faster improvements. As in all things Bovine. Yea, it is so.
Coming next: The Book of Blatant Bovinity
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Religion of the Chruch of Cow
First of all, let us be absolutely clear. Religion is defined as:
That's a lot of definitions for one simple word, no? From the start it needs to be stressed that 'religion' defined at it's basic form has very little to do with God. It's /how/ you worship your chosen God. So let it be said that how you worship God means much less than the fact that you DO. To clarify, the fact that you acknowledge that there is a God that is greater than you, no matter what He/She/It has or hasn't done, means more than how many masses you went to last Sunday or how many times you circled Mecca on your last hajj. The basic understanding that God is there and God exists and there is a place beyond what we can see and feel and touch where God resides is a part of our collective history. From the first caveman that realized that he was more than the sum of his parts we have this collective yearning for something beyond what we know as real.
Why is it so unusual that so many religions have become increasingly similar over the generations? What makes one religion more special over another? Nothing. The religions became so similar because of a human's nature to live in a certain way with the people who share the same spaces. The closer together we become as a global society the more similar our religions (and our way of life) become. It's a natural occurrence, as natural as seeing American jeans on a French teenager or a keffiyeh on the neck of a Taiwanese fashion model. One religion seeks to assimilate another through violence (jihad), by sending in agents (mission), or simply by moving in and taking over the joint (any major religion). The purpose of all these? To bring more members to a certain method of worship. To be a part of the whole and save them from damnation.
Seems pretty wholesome when seen in plain script. That's fine. Let it happen. What you do to worship and how you worship mean very little when it comes to actually aligning with God. It seems to me that the real relationship between our Creator and ourselves has become blurred with the outsourcing of religion as a whole. Somehow the method has become more important than the message. No matter what that message happens to be. Now that it's been explained how the Church of Cow sees religion in the eyes of humans, let's define what the Church of Cow finds to be religion.
First of all, God is important. But God is not always as important as we, as humans, make Him (for lack of a bi-useful pronoun in the English language, no actual gender is implied) out to be. Why? Well, God doesn't have an active hand in the lives of human beings. And if He did we'd all be nothing but mindless drones willing to bleed on a whim. That's not much of a life. And civilization would most definitely fall apart. No, if God is indeed omnipotent and omniscient, we have to realize that He would NOT want to have an active role in our day-to-day lives. Period. Micromanagement sucks. Ask anybody who works a desk job.
Secondly, it's kind of arrogant to assume that God is good. God is neither good nor evil. God is God. God doesn't want you to suffer? Why on Earth would you say that? Maybe you were born to suffer. Did you ever think about that? Maybe you were born to show someone else a lesson in life. It's ignorant to assume that God is in it for us alone, willing to swoop down and save the day. He never has and He never will. Because He is God. And you are not that important. Well, at least most of you. ;)
Thirdly, God does not have to actually say to the void that the void exists. God is the void. God is all things. God could have a celestial case of indigestion and cause the destruction of every sentient species in the universe and you would never know. 'Let there be light' is such a misnomer it makes me sick reading it in the Bible. God is light. God is dark. God is boogers and pond scum and rocks and semen and hairballs and detergent and.... Maybe you get the picture, maybe not. You sort of have to be all things if you are both omniscient and omnipresent. Get it?
Fourthly, God is convenient. God cannot be called, beckoned to, hearkened, or persuaded. God is God. If you believe in the third point you realize just how stupid you are for thinking you can shout forth into the night and expect the presence of God to come to your side. He was already there. Idiot. God does what God will at God's pace and that's the way it is. Seriously, since when did any parent put down an important call for some two year old saying variations of 'Mother' repeatedly for twenty minutes? Never. Until a sufficient amount of frustrated anger builds up and then...POW!
Fifth, and last, God really doesn't give much of a damn about you personally. Sorry to burst your bubble, there. God has a lot more to deal with than your specialness crying out for more teeth whitener and a way to get that hot girl at school to pay attention to you. God even let Jesus suffer ad nauseum (supposedly) before giving him the sweet embrace of death. After the life of Jesus, what makes you think God gives a crap about your hemorrhoid? Pun definitely intended. This isn't to say that God /won't/ pay attention to your pains and problems. As already stated, He is everywhere and obviously can hear anything you say. But what kind of a life lesson is it when you get off scot free after thumbing your nose at destiny? You want fewer hemorrhoids? Stop sitting on the freaking toilet palming your pud for three hours every day. :P There, God spoke to you through me. Don't you feel complete?
Using all the above you might start to realize that religion really doesn't have that much to do with God at all. Religion is lessons via world regions that pertain to the people who live there. What kind of God do you think the internet will produce? Maybe this one. You never know.
re⋅li⋅gion [ri-lij-uhn]
–noun
1. a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, esp. when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.
2. a specific fundamental set of beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects: the Christian religion; the Buddhist religion.
3. the body of persons adhering to a particular set of beliefs and practices: a world council of religions.
4. the life or state of a monk, nun, etc.: to enter religion.
5. the practice of religious beliefs; ritual observance of faith.
6. something one believes in and follows devotedly; a point or matter of ethics or conscience: to make a religion of fighting prejudice.
7. religions, Archaic. religious rites.
8. Archaic. strict faithfulness; devotion: a religion to one's vow.
That's a lot of definitions for one simple word, no? From the start it needs to be stressed that 'religion' defined at it's basic form has very little to do with God. It's /how/ you worship your chosen God. So let it be said that how you worship God means much less than the fact that you DO. To clarify, the fact that you acknowledge that there is a God that is greater than you, no matter what He/She/It has or hasn't done, means more than how many masses you went to last Sunday or how many times you circled Mecca on your last hajj. The basic understanding that God is there and God exists and there is a place beyond what we can see and feel and touch where God resides is a part of our collective history. From the first caveman that realized that he was more than the sum of his parts we have this collective yearning for something beyond what we know as real.
Why is it so unusual that so many religions have become increasingly similar over the generations? What makes one religion more special over another? Nothing. The religions became so similar because of a human's nature to live in a certain way with the people who share the same spaces. The closer together we become as a global society the more similar our religions (and our way of life) become. It's a natural occurrence, as natural as seeing American jeans on a French teenager or a keffiyeh on the neck of a Taiwanese fashion model. One religion seeks to assimilate another through violence (jihad), by sending in agents (mission), or simply by moving in and taking over the joint (any major religion). The purpose of all these? To bring more members to a certain method of worship. To be a part of the whole and save them from damnation.
Seems pretty wholesome when seen in plain script. That's fine. Let it happen. What you do to worship and how you worship mean very little when it comes to actually aligning with God. It seems to me that the real relationship between our Creator and ourselves has become blurred with the outsourcing of religion as a whole. Somehow the method has become more important than the message. No matter what that message happens to be. Now that it's been explained how the Church of Cow sees religion in the eyes of humans, let's define what the Church of Cow finds to be religion.
First of all, God is important. But God is not always as important as we, as humans, make Him (for lack of a bi-useful pronoun in the English language, no actual gender is implied) out to be. Why? Well, God doesn't have an active hand in the lives of human beings. And if He did we'd all be nothing but mindless drones willing to bleed on a whim. That's not much of a life. And civilization would most definitely fall apart. No, if God is indeed omnipotent and omniscient, we have to realize that He would NOT want to have an active role in our day-to-day lives. Period. Micromanagement sucks. Ask anybody who works a desk job.
Secondly, it's kind of arrogant to assume that God is good. God is neither good nor evil. God is God. God doesn't want you to suffer? Why on Earth would you say that? Maybe you were born to suffer. Did you ever think about that? Maybe you were born to show someone else a lesson in life. It's ignorant to assume that God is in it for us alone, willing to swoop down and save the day. He never has and He never will. Because He is God. And you are not that important. Well, at least most of you. ;)
Thirdly, God does not have to actually say to the void that the void exists. God is the void. God is all things. God could have a celestial case of indigestion and cause the destruction of every sentient species in the universe and you would never know. 'Let there be light' is such a misnomer it makes me sick reading it in the Bible. God is light. God is dark. God is boogers and pond scum and rocks and semen and hairballs and detergent and.... Maybe you get the picture, maybe not. You sort of have to be all things if you are both omniscient and omnipresent. Get it?
Fourthly, God is convenient. God cannot be called, beckoned to, hearkened, or persuaded. God is God. If you believe in the third point you realize just how stupid you are for thinking you can shout forth into the night and expect the presence of God to come to your side. He was already there. Idiot. God does what God will at God's pace and that's the way it is. Seriously, since when did any parent put down an important call for some two year old saying variations of 'Mother' repeatedly for twenty minutes? Never. Until a sufficient amount of frustrated anger builds up and then...POW!
Fifth, and last, God really doesn't give much of a damn about you personally. Sorry to burst your bubble, there. God has a lot more to deal with than your specialness crying out for more teeth whitener and a way to get that hot girl at school to pay attention to you. God even let Jesus suffer ad nauseum (supposedly) before giving him the sweet embrace of death. After the life of Jesus, what makes you think God gives a crap about your hemorrhoid? Pun definitely intended. This isn't to say that God /won't/ pay attention to your pains and problems. As already stated, He is everywhere and obviously can hear anything you say. But what kind of a life lesson is it when you get off scot free after thumbing your nose at destiny? You want fewer hemorrhoids? Stop sitting on the freaking toilet palming your pud for three hours every day. :P There, God spoke to you through me. Don't you feel complete?
Using all the above you might start to realize that religion really doesn't have that much to do with God at all. Religion is lessons via world regions that pertain to the people who live there. What kind of God do you think the internet will produce? Maybe this one. You never know.
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