Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Book of Blatant Bovinity

1 The time comes to pass that Noah and his family strike out onto the Cleansed Earth free from the evil of Mankind. And in this striking out the man Noah has a Holy Conversation with his Grooving Daddio, for the Music of Life has taken on a hopping beat that doth make the toenails tap upon hard ground. Yea, it is so. Whilst God and his boy babble about colors in the sky, the beasts of the Earth that remain continue in the manner of their species. Cud is chewed and methane is expelled.

2 Noah and his family did as they were commanded and began the long tedious process of procreation with the shorter lifespan. Learning more quickly, improving on past generations even as the Brahman became the Jersey. Yea, it is so. People and their Cattle moved from generation to generation, place to place. Usually eating up all the grasses and pooping for the grasses of the next generation on their way as is the custom of the Bovine.

3 Man and Beast live in Harmony during this God-Infused Trek across the vast wilderness of the world. One feeds the other and both feed upon knowledge as it occurs. Tribes of both venture off on their own to found their own families and various broken tribes extending about the globe keeping resources in check and moving on when the Great Ball of Earth threatens starvation or drought. Yea, it is so. And thusly we find the great Re-population. All sons and daughters of Noah, the remaining Giants, and the Animals that Hitched a Holy Ride. And the creatures of the sea, but they don't count because they can't see what's happening on land without becoming part of a seafood platter. Bummer, but it is so.

4 In this time of Happening Harmony the sons and daughters of Man started leaning towards the side of evil once again. Wherever Man congregated in large numbers came the Wickedness of the Unholy Basement Party. As if it never ended, the crime was rampant. All but for one man and his small family. But since our Cosmic Conductor had already made some kind of color promise to the two-legged beasts, He was prohibited from taking them all out again. The cattle of the field commenced to chewing a new cud while they waited for the inevitable.

5 All but one man, Lot, and his family walked from the evil of two large cities. His wife looked at the reflection of the Cleansing Fire in the eyes of the patient Cattle and could not resist. Lot's wife became the very first Salt Lick of which the Bovine Impaired decried as a sign from the Almighty that she had looked into the face of Evil. Any beast knows the value of a woman-sized salt lick, however, and there was much Thankful Braying. Yea, it is so.

6 After this time the Children of the Cosmic Conductor's lives became shorter and shorter. The cattle followed along obediently, enjoying the attentions and care of their human counterparts. Lots of creepy things happened during this time of shortening lives and technological growth. The tribes separated as never before and vast tracts of land were claimed in the name of certain men of Superior Birth. Their cattle, however, knowing of the price of technology, calmly helped to bring about bigger civilizations and cater (literally) to the wars of the Tribes. Yea, it is so.

7 And thus closes the Book of Blatant Bovinity. As Man accepts his shortness of life to embrace the future, he once again looks away from the Skies until jostled by the Almighty Hoppin Daddio. Which brings us to the next Book.

Coming soon: The Book of Running Bulls (aka Moses pulls a poofter)

Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Book of the Holy Hangover

1 Now herein ends the beginning and thusly human history slides gracelessly into it's long, tedious, greasy, whiny teenage years. Yea, it is so. For in these times the lifetime of a human could stretch into the centuries unabated and the offspring flung to the four winds to create families of massive lineage within one's own Groovy Tune. Human history is created within the same failies of massive descent in different areas at differnt paces as is the way with humans.

2 In contrast we find the lives of animals changing and adapting at a much quicker pace. Their lives do not extend into the Most Happening Void of History, no, they die within a flicker of the Great Discoball in the Sky. Mostly to fill the hungry bellies of these massive families. Yea, it is so.

3 It is time to point out here that the lives of the Boogie Beasts are evolving at a much faster pace than the slowpoke humans of the world. They become domesticated, altered in size and function to serve, and made docile for easier eating. Yea, it is so. One might also say that this is the starting point of the true Bovine nature of Man. The time when the timespan of a human life is brought short. Because God, being a Happy Pappy, can only take so much emo.

4 For in the time of longevity, the early teens of Man, he learns to make beer. And although beer is simply the Lubricant of Life and killer of Evil Microbes of Doom, man takes it, as all things, one step too far. For in these days during the Most Happening Party it is easy to lie. To cheat. To steal. To fornicate with anything that has a hole. The most Unholy Basement Jam begins with the addition of some from the Background Chorus of God flipping down to earth to do the nasty with the daughters of man. Yea, it is so. In bringing about the race of Gnarly Giants the angels seal their fate in the eyes of their Creator.

5 The Badnasty Creations given consciousness and now a spark of ultra-divine blood have learned all they need to know about the inherent Snark of Evil. Humans hide beneath a wall of propriety and piety even as they swindle their neighbors, the facade evident to all who care to see. Including our Most Loving Parent in the Cosmos who's song has taken on a more bluesey tone. And being a Loving Parent it was time to change the course of these unclean humans of Langorous Longevity. It was time to Clean House. Yea, it is so.

6 After whispering a clue to one man who seemed above the filth, the Holy Conductor began a rain to cover our ball of rock with water. 40 days and 40 nights, all but a boat filled with Clean Animals and a simply family of truly pious humans perished. Well, and the critters of the ocean who had done nothing whatsoever to piss off God. Since laying around having babies and using as little oxygen as possible to survive kind of keeps one off the map when it comes to Cosmic Corrections. Yea, it is so.

7 Thus begins a new time. Noah and his family and all the animals he has saved make landfall. The Era of the Bovine begins during the Holy Hangover wherin the party slows to a crawl and the lives of men are cut shorter. Save for the strange half-angelic Giants who survive the waters, the world takes on a more adaptive tone. The Wailing Blues of the Beyond pick up the pace and doth Funk most Groovily. Souls returning to their Happy Home are more frequent and with faster reproduction comes faster improvements. As in all things Bovine. Yea, it is so.

Coming next: The Book of Blatant Bovinity

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Religion of the Chruch of Cow

First of all, let us be absolutely clear. Religion is defined as:

re⋅li⋅gion [ri-lij-uhn]
1. a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, esp. when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.
2. a specific fundamental set of beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects: the Christian religion; the Buddhist religion.
3. the body of persons adhering to a particular set of beliefs and practices: a world council of religions.
4. the life or state of a monk, nun, etc.: to enter religion.
5. the practice of religious beliefs; ritual observance of faith.
6. something one believes in and follows devotedly; a point or matter of ethics or conscience: to make a religion of fighting prejudice.
7. religions, Archaic. religious rites.
8. Archaic. strict faithfulness; devotion: a religion to one's vow.

That's a lot of definitions for one simple word, no? From the start it needs to be stressed that 'religion' defined at it's basic form has very little to do with God. It's /how/ you worship your chosen God. So let it be said that how you worship God means much less than the fact that you DO. To clarify, the fact that you acknowledge that there is a God that is greater than you, no matter what He/She/It has or hasn't done, means more than how many masses you went to last Sunday or how many times you circled Mecca on your last hajj. The basic understanding that God is there and God exists and there is a place beyond what we can see and feel and touch where God resides is a part of our collective history. From the first caveman that realized that he was more than the sum of his parts we have this collective yearning for something beyond what we know as real.

Why is it so unusual that so many religions have become increasingly similar over the generations? What makes one religion more special over another? Nothing. The religions became so similar because of a human's nature to live in a certain way with the people who share the same spaces. The closer together we become as a global society the more similar our religions (and our way of life) become. It's a natural occurrence, as natural as seeing American jeans on a French teenager or a keffiyeh on the neck of a Taiwanese fashion model. One religion seeks to assimilate another through violence (jihad), by sending in agents (mission), or simply by moving in and taking over the joint (any major religion). The purpose of all these? To bring more members to a certain method of worship. To be a part of the whole and save them from damnation.

Seems pretty wholesome when seen in plain script. That's fine. Let it happen. What you do to worship and how you worship mean very little when it comes to actually aligning with God. It seems to me that the real relationship between our Creator and ourselves has become blurred with the outsourcing of religion as a whole. Somehow the method has become more important than the message. No matter what that message happens to be. Now that it's been explained how the Church of Cow sees religion in the eyes of humans, let's define what the Church of Cow finds to be religion.

First of all, God is important. But God is not always as important as we, as humans, make Him (for lack of a bi-useful pronoun in the English language, no actual gender is implied) out to be. Why? Well, God doesn't have an active hand in the lives of human beings. And if He did we'd all be nothing but mindless drones willing to bleed on a whim. That's not much of a life. And civilization would most definitely fall apart. No, if God is indeed omnipotent and omniscient, we have to realize that He would NOT want to have an active role in our day-to-day lives. Period. Micromanagement sucks. Ask anybody who works a desk job.

Secondly, it's kind of arrogant to assume that God is good. God is neither good nor evil. God is God. God doesn't want you to suffer? Why on Earth would you say that? Maybe you were born to suffer. Did you ever think about that? Maybe you were born to show someone else a lesson in life. It's ignorant to assume that God is in it for us alone, willing to swoop down and save the day. He never has and He never will. Because He is God. And you are not that important. Well, at least most of you. ;)

Thirdly, God does not have to actually say to the void that the void exists. God is the void. God is all things. God could have a celestial case of indigestion and cause the destruction of every sentient species in the universe and you would never know. 'Let there be light' is such a misnomer it makes me sick reading it in the Bible. God is light. God is dark. God is boogers and pond scum and rocks and semen and hairballs and detergent and.... Maybe you get the picture, maybe not. You sort of have to be all things if you are both omniscient and omnipresent. Get it?

Fourthly, God is convenient. God cannot be called, beckoned to, hearkened, or persuaded. God is God. If you believe in the third point you realize just how stupid you are for thinking you can shout forth into the night and expect the presence of God to come to your side. He was already there. Idiot. God does what God will at God's pace and that's the way it is. Seriously, since when did any parent put down an important call for some two year old saying variations of 'Mother' repeatedly for twenty minutes? Never. Until a sufficient amount of frustrated anger builds up and then...POW!

Fifth, and last, God really doesn't give much of a damn about you personally. Sorry to burst your bubble, there. God has a lot more to deal with than your specialness crying out for more teeth whitener and a way to get that hot girl at school to pay attention to you. God even let Jesus suffer ad nauseum (supposedly) before giving him the sweet embrace of death. After the life of Jesus, what makes you think God gives a crap about your hemorrhoid? Pun definitely intended. This isn't to say that God /won't/ pay attention to your pains and problems. As already stated, He is everywhere and obviously can hear anything you say. But what kind of a life lesson is it when you get off scot free after thumbing your nose at destiny? You want fewer hemorrhoids? Stop sitting on the freaking toilet palming your pud for three hours every day. :P There, God spoke to you through me. Don't you feel complete?

Using all the above you might start to realize that religion really doesn't have that much to do with God at all. Religion is lessons via world regions that pertain to the people who live there. What kind of God do you think the internet will produce? Maybe this one. You never know.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Book of Dance II

1 Now that Adam has become the First Real Human, he does what all Real Humans do. He settles down and begins to put words to represent the things around him. Creatures, plants, animals, items, nothing can escape the Creative Mind of Adam. Happily the first Hippy enjoys the fact that he knows better than to put his hand in a fire. Yea, it is so. After a time, however, this First Human becomes bored. Now that things about him have their names, the everyday rigor of cave life becomes tedious and stupid. Adam realizes that a 9 to 5 is most definitely not the way to enjoy his newfound Awareness. In a fit of pique Adam requests from God a mate worthy of his Mind.

2 Having heard the pleas of His most special Hippy Lovechild, God brings together the form of the perfect female. Both beautiful and smart, the Celestial Potter's Clay and Star Stuff comes together wonderfully. Adam, in the method he is accustomed, names this new woman Lilith and does come forth to get Most Funky. Our Heavenly Conductor pats His Holy Hands together to clear off the chaff and slides back into the Beat of the Universe. This Groovy new Babe doth thrill Adam's Happy Place, but after a time her utter conservative devotion becomes boring. For with God's Gift did not come the same Awareness of Self. Lilith was given Awareness of Adam, for he doth did ask for a Mate, not a Partner. Yea, it is so.

3 Eventually becoming overly tired of the Clingy Creation called Lilith, Adam doth reject the Unnatural Sexiness. He doth rub over copiously blue nether regions and doth beg God to give him a Real Mate instead of a Plastic Pal. Yea, it is so. Finding herself rejected by the one she was created to serve, Lilith leaves. Abandoned by both God and Adam, the Perfect Woman disappears into the four winds to find her own way, thinking that perhaps the singlemindedness of Males of the Universe sucks complete and total ass. Thus the story of Lilith ends in this book to continue in another.

4 As any Indulgent Father would, God doth slink back down to the Earth to breathe consciousness into a most comely female. Eve blinked as the world around her became more than simply having a Vaginal Clown Car and a strong back. She and Adam immediately began to converse about creating social programs for the less aware. And although the first cup of good coffee was still many generations away, the first Beatnik Liberal Couple was born upon the unaware Earth. Yea, it is so.

5 God, seeing that the First Hippies were about to unleash the Liberal Machine upon His Wonderous World, did ensconce Adam and Eve into the Jungle of Eden. Where others could not be affected by their various Communistic Schemes, Global Warming Protests, and Throwing of Concrete upon the Elderly. Yea, it is so. Our Most Holy Patriarch had only one requirement of living in this Paradise of Equity. That the inhabitants do not touch the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. For in it's tasty sweetness lies Death. You see, time did not affect the Hippy Couple while they lived within the Paradise of Eden. They could be happy and sexy and as liberal as they liked forever under the smile of Heaven.

6 Those that were not appreciative of The Dancing Daddy's conservatism in locking away the free-thinking Beatniks began to scheme. How could the Liberal Machine once again be unleashed upon the World? The strongest of the Heavenly Throng, not surprisingly the most Un-Godly, came to Eve and whispered into her ear. He doth spake of vast marches upon huge cities yet to be built. He doth describeth the Fairness of Speech in that all opinions must be allowed save those with which the Liberal Elite did not agree. He slithered into Eve's Idea-Hungry Ear the spreading of Paradise to those whom stupidity keeps unawares. The first Aware Woman did then snap off a Juicy Polyp of Knowledge and take a huge bite.

7 At once Eve did learn what Knowledge meant in God's Myopic Eyes. She doth look down upon herself and discovereth that she was completely naked. Exposed to the world! Eve did snap off a large set of leaves to cover her naughty bits away from nature and any other prying eyes. At the same time came a feeling of Ultimate Shame. Not wanting to experience this alone, Eve did seek out Adam and fed him a bite of her Fruit. At once he knew what she had done and didst do the first ever Bitch Slap known to history. Then he tore away her nether leaf to cover his Meaty Manhood away from the World, thinking that perhaps the Openmindedness of Women of the Universe sucks complete and total ass. Yea, it is so.

8 Upon visiting the Hippy Couple in their Compound of Communism God didst discover what had happened the moment He laid his Holy Orbs upon their clothed bodies. As any Parent might do, He asked them directly the Parental Trap Question; Where do you think you are going in that outfit? Adam didst examine a bug crawling upon a leaf while surreptitiously glaring at his Mate from the corner of his eye. Left to do the Explaination, Eve stamped her Imperious Foot and in an overly annoying whine did announce that she was never allowed to do anything. Our most Divine Dancer swung himself about and donned studded leather to accompany the very first Riff of Rock. With the Lightning Flash and Woeful Wind God gave credence to his Command. That Adam and Eve were expelled from Eden forevermore for Dissing their Holy Daddy. God didst Tonguewave and Hop-Skip to a Rapid tune that sent the Hippies skittering into the Wilderness. A lone Angel with a firey Metal Sword was posted to keep them away from Paradise with his Awesome Amperage. Yea, it is so.

9 On the Way of the Wild, Eve turneth towards her Creator and didst point the first blame. To wit the Liberal Lady didst point at a lowly snake and thusly explained that the snake spake plans of Liberal Expansion into her waiting ear that made her eat of the Deathfruit. God, in all his Patient Glory, turneth to the snake to ask of it's involvement. The snake, not at all intelligent, simply hissed sadly and accepted that it would never evolve legs. Yea, it is so. God circled His Holy Eyes upwards and puffed back into his Chorus of Creation to once again take Himself out of the Grand Plan of Humanity. Adam and Eve were thus left to their own meager devices amongst the overly unintelligent and non-aware.

Thus the Book of Dance II comes to a close. Coming next: The Book of the Holy Hangover.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Book of Dance I

1 With the beginnings of Time and the expansion of God's cosmic music came the inevitable branching out of the cosmos. New elements bumped and grinded together using gravity as glue, spinning amidst one another to create great waltzes and organized line dances. The elements bonded together as they danced to create solid lumps in the flickering void. God grinned at the solid lumps and waved His great Conductor's Hand to start a new Song to go with this new Dance.

2 This new song was pulsing and did Rock the House, indeed. For in the pulse of the cosmos was created specialty stars that lived far beyond their lifetimes to hang thusly in the heavens and pulse out God's Awesome Beat. Dig, children, the funky beat of the Almighty as it whonks it's way through the void to bless the many solid lumps in the flickering void. Yea, it is so. The death and birth of Pulsars did groove the Almighty in their backward awesomeness.

3 Although the strange nature of the Pulsar did please God it's sibling, the Black Hole, did have the Angels on high scratching their perfect heads in wonderment. For that which sucketh doth sucketh most hard. God clarified in His Mighty Tuneage, "For here we have a solid end to that which needs to end and a birth to that which needs to be born." And the most Awesome Conductor and Dance Teacher did smile at this giant Hole of Suck and bless it's presence as Holy Hoover, a Vaccuum of Kings. Yea, it is so.

4 As the universe did coalesce under the waving of God's Rocking Moves the solid lumps of rock did begin to cool and find their own rhythms. Circling the Discoballs even as the Discoballs circled one another. Yea, it is so. And in time the Most Holy did cause a Hailstorm of Glitterati in the form of meteorites to become meteors to seed many of the Rocky Host. For even in their rocky solidness, many rocks were void of necessary elements without the help of Celestial Hurlings. Yea, it is so.

5 Now is the separation of Universal Things into the Specific Things to which those reading this tome should be attending. For the Universal Things have split into their own Specific Things in the eyes of the Most Holy Awesome God. Those believing that ours is the only Special Snowflake of the Heavens would be most awfully mistaken, for God is unlimited, omnicient, and omnipresent. The Rocking Beat of our Funktastic Father extends throughout everything that existeth. Yea, it is so. And although most of our Awesome Conductor's creatures cannot see past their own nosetips it is widely known that God was never so small as to focus on just one ball of rock. Doth Check Thyself.

6 Upon one small newborn Discoball, happily pulsing in the Celestial Rave, we find ourselves to be focusing. For this is what we know. Yea, it is so. The many meteors and sandy chunks did hurl into the area around the happy Star, thus catching in it's unusually high Groovy Gravity and circling. And God did send His Awesome Tidal Wave of Sound over this beginning Dance and bless it with everything necessary. For what Father stands so close to a Child as to inhibit growth? The watched pot doth not boil and too many Holy Handouts makes for a spoiled brat. Yea, it is so.

7 This happy Discoball, which should henceforth be known as The Sun, did Spin and Spew and Rock to the Funky Beat. The gasses and elements coalesced around it in Heavenly Hoops that did wobble to the Pulse. Some more gas, some more rock. All blessed and smiled upon by our Most High Happy Pappy. Yea, it is so. And as was always the design the elements and charged explosive ions that make up all of God's Universe came together in a way that made them move independent of the Motion of the Celestial Ocean. Thus began the Dance of Life. And the Heavens were Overjoyed. For this Dance was began in many places in many different ways.

8 Growth is a constant in this Rocking Universe, children. Growth and Death are synonymous with Time. And God is synonymous with all. Thus the motes of life were snuffed out in the Cataclysmic Mosh Pit. For the Angels on High that did sing the backup Grooves of God were beginning to see the Grand Plan. And although the Almighty Funky Conductor did smite them across thir grills and allow the Dance of Life to begin again on the next best ball of rock, some of Them were still convinced that only the Celestial Beings of the Backup Choir should be Uppermost.

9 The small moving creatures on the Rotating Rock, heretofore known as Earth (How Non-Creative can you get?), moving independently did Rock most Hard. Yea, it is so. For with the absence of Holy Handouts only the strongest and ablest were able to procreate and expand. Grasses, fish, birds, beasts, all fought for the ability to procreate and thus gained a toehold on this new Earth. In God's time came something resembling the form of our Holy Conductor and thus gained His/Her Wonderous Attention. Some of his Backup Group became, once again, jealous. For who could sing better and deserve more than a Golden Throated Angel of Funk?

10 In the gaze of the Universe, in the pulsing Beat of Heaven, in the Spinning Disco Light, our Heavenly Father did breathe a Consciousness Popper into the nose of one of these creatures resembling divinity. One called Adam did wake with a most auspicious snort. Yea, it is so. And thus looked about at what he had only seen as screwing and death to find that there was something more. Thus ends this chapter of the Book of Dance.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Book of Music

1 In the beginning, there was God. As in all beginnings and endings there is the beginner and the ender, thus it is so in this writing. Although the reader is invited to disagree it is, in this volume, generally accepted that God is there even when we are not. In all faiths this is so save for those who believe nothing and lift their shoulders in bewilderment without an explanation of the beginning. Yea, it is so.

2 God saw that He was alone without substance and waved a Godly Appendage to begin the Music of Life. And He began to get funky, yea it is so. The clothes of the living God did sway to and fro, to and fro, bouncing about in wobbly wiggly fashion as God began to groove upon the sounds of His/Her lovely aural creation. As the movement of God in the new music did bump and grind, thusly were borne the heavenly angels. Who henceforth went about the business of backup singing for the Almighty. Yea, it is so.

3 And in the wonderous first holy boogie of the one living God there was much scraping of materials. With each bump of the Almighty Body upon other portions of the Almighty Body there came about a great cataclysm. Portions of His robes rubbing most groovily against other portions of His robes created, with each strike, a new Universe in which the angels would sing. Yea, it is so.

4 One mote sparking from the robes of God begat the universe in which everything we know resides. One mote exploding inward on a new space, created by the loving music and motion of our Heavenly Conductor, began the heavens. Yea, it is so. And with the motion of the celestial ocean was caused many collisions, the likes of which created the beginning materials of the known cosmos. Thusly the periodic table was begat. Yea, it is so.

5 And with the spinning and stepping of the Almighty there was borne a force of nature. This force was Gravity. So very weak and so very strong at the same time. It is to everything Gravity applies and to every Graviton that returns to the Almighty. Yea, it is so. And in this fashion the created motes of the remnants of God's first Holy Two-Step were clouds created. And within these gaseous remnants was borne the very first superheated disco balls, known thusly as Stars. Yea, it is so.

6 One by one the stars did spin and the clouds did puff, causing in our new universe to be the first galaxies. On their own spinning within clouds and many more disco balls of the grooving God. Yea, it is so. Gravity did and does it's thing, moving and grooving the smallest of the small to enjoin the biggest of the big and thusly to continue the birth of more disco balls.

7 After a time, however, the first of the disco balls began to use too much of themselves in an attempt to burn the brightest for the Holy Dance. Thus these most bright gave one last ditch effort to be a part of the Almighty Rave by sparkling brighter than anything else in the new universe and expanding out their own clouds of newly minted metals and minerals. The Disco Balls in their exhuberance to flash in time with the bumpage of God did add to the periodic table. Yea, it is so.

8 The selfless act of these, the brightest of creations in the new universe, began what we know as Time. God did smile at the concept of linear creations, the life and the death, and He knew it was good for this new universe filled with bright lights and flashings and beautiful cosmic music. Yea, it is so. For everything there shall be a beginning and for everything there shall be an end. And each shall begin and end with the Cosmic Dance of God.

9 Now with the Gravity and Time and the Periodic Table (even as short as it is at the beginning), the Most Holy Universal Conductor continues to dance and the Angels continue to backup with perfect pitch. Many things, unexplainable and explainable, are wrought from the birth and death of stars. Be it noted that at this early stage none of these things wrought have any bearing on good or evil or the preaching thereof. All is Good. Yea, it is so.

10 And thusly ends the first chapter. The birth of the Universe has begun with the Holy Bump and Grind to continue in fashion in the next chapter. Yea, it is so.