The Book of Blatant Bovinity

1 The time comes to pass that Noah and his family strike out onto the Cleansed Earth free from the evil of Mankind. And in this striking out the man Noah has a Holy Conversation with his Grooving Daddio, for the Music of Life has taken on a hopping beat that doth make the toenails tap upon hard ground. Yea, it is so. Whilst God and his boy babble about colors in the sky, the beasts of the Earth that remain continue in the manner of their species. Cud is chewed and methane is expelled.

2 Noah and his family did as they were commanded and began the long tedious process of procreation with the shorter lifespan. Learning more quickly, improving on past generations even as the Brahman became the Jersey. Yea, it is so. People and their Cattle moved from generation to generation, place to place. Usually eating up all the grasses and pooping for the grasses of the next generation on their way as is the custom of the Bovine.

3 Man and Beast live in Harmony during this God-Infused Trek across the vast wilderness of the world. One feeds the other and both feed upon knowledge as it occurs. Tribes of both venture off on their own to found their own families and various broken tribes extending about the globe keeping resources in check and moving on when the Great Ball of Earth threatens starvation or drought. Yea, it is so. And thusly we find the great Re-population. All sons and daughters of Noah, the remaining Giants, and the Animals that Hitched a Holy Ride. And the creatures of the sea, but they don't count because they can't see what's happening on land without becoming part of a seafood platter. Bummer, but it is so.

4 In this time of Happening Harmony the sons and daughters of Man started leaning towards the side of evil once again. Wherever Man congregated in large numbers came the Wickedness of the Unholy Basement Party. As if it never ended, the crime was rampant. All but for one man and his small family. But since our Cosmic Conductor had already made some kind of color promise to the two-legged beasts, He was prohibited from taking them all out again. The cattle of the field commenced to chewing a new cud while they waited for the inevitable.

5 All but one man, Lot, and his family walked from the evil of two large cities. His wife looked at the reflection of the Cleansing Fire in the eyes of the patient Cattle and could not resist. Lot's wife became the very first Salt Lick of which the Bovine Impaired decried as a sign from the Almighty that she had looked into the face of Evil. Any beast knows the value of a woman-sized salt lick, however, and there was much Thankful Braying. Yea, it is so.

6 After this time the Children of the Cosmic Conductor's lives became shorter and shorter. The cattle followed along obediently, enjoying the attentions and care of their human counterparts. Lots of creepy things happened during this time of shortening lives and technological growth. The tribes separated as never before and vast tracts of land were claimed in the name of certain men of Superior Birth. Their cattle, however, knowing of the price of technology, calmly helped to bring about bigger civilizations and cater (literally) to the wars of the Tribes. Yea, it is so.

7 And thus closes the Book of Blatant Bovinity. As Man accepts his shortness of life to embrace the future, he once again looks away from the Skies until jostled by the Almighty Hoppin Daddio. Which brings us to the next Book.

Coming soon: The Book of Running Bulls (aka Moses pulls a poofter)