The Book of the Holy Hangover

1 Now herein ends the beginning and thusly human history slides gracelessly into it's long, tedious, greasy, whiny teenage years. Yea, it is so. For in these times the lifetime of a human could stretch into the centuries unabated and the offspring flung to the four winds to create families of massive lineage within one's own Groovy Tune. Human history is created within the same failies of massive descent in different areas at differnt paces as is the way with humans.

2 In contrast we find the lives of animals changing and adapting at a much quicker pace. Their lives do not extend into the Most Happening Void of History, no, they die within a flicker of the Great Discoball in the Sky. Mostly to fill the hungry bellies of these massive families. Yea, it is so.

3 It is time to point out here that the lives of the Boogie Beasts are evolving at a much faster pace than the slowpoke humans of the world. They become domesticated, altered in size and function to serve, and made docile for easier eating. Yea, it is so. One might also say that this is the starting point of the true Bovine nature of Man. The time when the timespan of a human life is brought short. Because God, being a Happy Pappy, can only take so much emo.

4 For in the time of longevity, the early teens of Man, he learns to make beer. And although beer is simply the Lubricant of Life and killer of Evil Microbes of Doom, man takes it, as all things, one step too far. For in these days during the Most Happening Party it is easy to lie. To cheat. To steal. To fornicate with anything that has a hole. The most Unholy Basement Jam begins with the addition of some from the Background Chorus of God flipping down to earth to do the nasty with the daughters of man. Yea, it is so. In bringing about the race of Gnarly Giants the angels seal their fate in the eyes of their Creator.

5 The Badnasty Creations given consciousness and now a spark of ultra-divine blood have learned all they need to know about the inherent Snark of Evil. Humans hide beneath a wall of propriety and piety even as they swindle their neighbors, the facade evident to all who care to see. Including our Most Loving Parent in the Cosmos who's song has taken on a more bluesey tone. And being a Loving Parent it was time to change the course of these unclean humans of Langorous Longevity. It was time to Clean House. Yea, it is so.

6 After whispering a clue to one man who seemed above the filth, the Holy Conductor began a rain to cover our ball of rock with water. 40 days and 40 nights, all but a boat filled with Clean Animals and a simply family of truly pious humans perished. Well, and the critters of the ocean who had done nothing whatsoever to piss off God. Since laying around having babies and using as little oxygen as possible to survive kind of keeps one off the map when it comes to Cosmic Corrections. Yea, it is so.

7 Thus begins a new time. Noah and his family and all the animals he has saved make landfall. The Era of the Bovine begins during the Holy Hangover wherin the party slows to a crawl and the lives of men are cut shorter. Save for the strange half-angelic Giants who survive the waters, the world takes on a more adaptive tone. The Wailing Blues of the Beyond pick up the pace and doth Funk most Groovily. Souls returning to their Happy Home are more frequent and with faster reproduction comes faster improvements. As in all things Bovine. Yea, it is so.

Coming next: The Book of Blatant Bovinity